Greetings loved one!
I had something I wanted to talk to you about and I hope I’m giving you enough time to respond to this. It has to do with how you responded to those pictures of Presley and David playing dress up with the neighbor girls. I guess my question isn’t so much of why you feel so appalled by those images, but if you’d ever be willing to grow out of those feelings.
I know how you feel about the church. I know you prefer to stick to the status quo not as “the world” has set it but as your world growing up has, and that is your decision. I know you’ve chosen to dedicate this next year and a half to living nothing but the gospel and giving a voice to your testimony. I know how important this is to you and how you have built your life around these feelings/ideas being the only truth. I also know what I’m about to ask you might be seen as unfair, but I’m going to ask it anyway.
Is there any way you could, just for a second, step back from all of that? To be there for me?
I have never believed in the church. I tried and tried to make myself into the person I thought everybody wanted me to be, I tried to force it and make things work, but I think we both know how well that worked out. I’m gay, Adam. I always have been and I always will be. It is not a choice and it is not a trial that your god has given me to increase my faith in his existence. It is just a part of who I am. I like to kiss girls and I like to kiss boys and that does not make me any less of a person. I don’t think parker choosing to wear a dress is something to be discouraged. I think it is a testament to his strength and his willingness to be vulnerable and accepting of every human. I think it was a brave thing for him to do and I think the idea that those pictures are embarrassing is a harmful one.
The genitalia a person is born with should not be the main factor in how the rest of their life plays out, how they should dress, who they should love, or how they are supposed to react to things on an emotional level. Men are not more prone to violence, that is a learned behavior. The way people have chosen to define masculinity is detrimental to the emotional growth of men and they physical safety of women.
My life has been spent trying to hide the parts of myself I wasn’t ready to accept, in an effort to make those around me more comfortable. It hurt. That was such a painful and cruel thing to do to myself, I won’t let it keep happening.
You need to know who I am. You need to know that the way you react to certain things has hurt me in the past because it was like when you would reject these ideas you were rejecting me. I will not be spending any more time or energy masking the pain I feel when you do that. You need to find a way to accept this. You need to find a way to love the parts of me you don’t agree with or like. You need to find a way to be accepting of my whole self. Whatever that may look like for you, the same way I have done for you.
I love that you have something to pour your whole heart and soul into. I love that you have something that gives you a purpose in this life. Even if it is an organization that actively works to eradicate the existence of people like me. I love that you have something that makes you happy. I love that when you choose to bear your testimony to me it is coming from a place of love. I just wish your definition of love didn’t include trying to change my beliefs or who I am as a person.
I feel like there is a very thin line, that is too easily blurred, between attempting to convert someone out of love and doing it out of the fear that you won’t be able to see them regularly in the life to come. I also feel like a lot of people mistake the relief of doing what you think you’re supposed to be doing for happiness. I know that’s what going to church was for me. It was the relief of knowing nobody was going to judge me for not going. That isn’t what I want my life to be. I don’t want the passive relief that nobody is going to worry if I’m okay or not, I want to live.
I really hope that this all makes sense to you and translates the way I hope it does. I hope we can find some common ground as well. Let me know what you think.